Onward

I hate that something that feels so good ends in so much pain.

I could hold on and cling to that last bit of comfort,

but I know that I'll just wake up with that pain again.

I can only fool myself for so long.

One day I'll wake up and realize what I've done to the both of us for my comfort.

Maybe it's today.

I want it to be.

I want to hold on and feel you still,

but I can't.

There is nothing left to hold on to.

It's gone.

I'm letting go of the shadow.

I can recall my reality.

I need to remember what I want.

What I need.

My only regret is time wasted,

precious moments I'll never get back.

Spent all for naught.

But life goes on.

I'm picking myself up and moving forward.

Unhindered.

Free.

Thank you, Rosie Thomas :)

Why waste your time?
There is nothing left
Voices in your head tell you to do it
No one will care
No one will know
Everyone just looks out for themselves

It's so hard letting go
Letting go of love
It might cause some pain, I know
But pain is all we've got

Why waste more time?
Time is all you have
Be careful what you say they'll hold you to it
No one will care
No one will know
Everyone feels sorry for themselves

It's so hard letting go
Letting go of love
It might cause some pain, I know
But pain is all you've got
It may be the only way to know
That you can get yourself back up

Lyrics: Rosie Thomas

Life is too short to coast through.

I have purpose, and I want to live like I do.

If you can't love with your entire heart, don't bother.

where has it gone?

Stability,

Security,

Peace,

Joy,

Light.

Given up.

For what?

For love?

Love is loyal,

and does not forsake one love for another.

Love is not selfish,

love does not ask for what it knows you cannot live without.

Love is giving,

and would never steal away from you all that matters in your life.

This is not love.

It is beautiful.

It is a hint of what love could be,

but it is not love.

So why am I here?

Why am I doing this?

Why am I following blindly in the path of the one I so despise?

I want my joy.

I want my peace.

I want my LIGHT.

I don't need the raging storms to stop.

All I need is my guiding light.

My anchor.

My fire.

Let the storms rage

and the arrows fly.

What I have cannot be taken from me.

My light may grow dim,

My strength may fail,

but I will never be left empty,

nor forsaken.

Grounded

I am the level headed one.

The calm, the steady.

I am the rock that keeps you from being washed away.

The foundation that keeps you from caving.

My heart is for you.

That you might be free from all of this.

I want to carry the weight for you.

I want to shelter you from the storm.

But I feel it too.

I waver as well.

My heart is just as capable of being swept away.

My soul has the same weakness that would let it fall.

Where is my rock?

My peace?

My firm foundation?

Even as I ask I know the answer.

My mind knows.

Yet my heart still questions.

Who will be strong for me?

You will.

If I let You.

I can let You.

If I could just relinquish the pieces of me that I clutch so tightly.

Trying so hard to be my own rock.

With my eyes shut tightly I imagine myself letting go.

I can almost see it.

Will it ever really happen?

Can I let go?

I must.

I must.

I must.

Disoriented

All I want to do is get out of this place, but here I am trying to stay.

After countless dead ends, you would think I'd be ready to go.

But instead I'm calling you and asking for trouble all over again.

One day I'll learn.

I thought that day happened months ago, but apparently I'm a slow learner.

So let's have another go at it.

Maybe when I hit that bulwark again I'll learn my lesson.

But for now I'll keep on believing that this body was made to break through brick walls.

Me me me

This is not how it was meant to be

This is not what was planned

This is not the beauty that we worked so long to create.

YOU have it all in your hands

I know

but why does it look so disparaging around me?

YOU know whats best

YOU create beauty from ashes

but what am I to do while it still smolders?

Your promises sustain me

Your peace settles me

but this madness still beats against me

pounding from one angle and then the next

You've brushed me off and set me upright countless times

aren't You getting as tired of this as I am?

Shame, shame

Break her once, shame on you.

Break her twice, shame on ME.

You'd think having my baby cracked down the front would teach me something,

maybe "Hey dummy, be more careful with your cello!"

But no, once wasn't enough...

I needed to hear her crash to the floor and reverberate through the sanctuary

before I learned my lesson.

Talk about painful....

Now she's halfway through repairs,

I'm looking into insurance policies,

and I am going to protect that thing like my life depended on it.

Silver lining:

I finally chose a name-

Renée

Meaning "reborn"