I Will Declare....

Last night I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine about human nature and our inclination to physical gratification over spiritual. Namely, why God didn't just choose to make us into beings that desire Him more than the pleasures of the world. If he had made us that way He could have spared a lot of people a lot of pain. As my mind drifted back to that question this evening, I was struck by the thought of the beauty of man's relationship with God. I am convinced that this beauty rests solely in the struggle it arises from.

God didn't make loving him as instantly gratifying as succumbing to the flesh, because He knows that pleasure is transient. There is no substance to something that is just handed to us. When we have to strive for something, when we have to struggle, that is when we appreciate how precious it is. Is it love if there is no yearning or desire? What would it mean to love someone only because it feels good? What would it mean to live for something merely because it gratified us to do so? The beauty lies in the struggle. The magnificence lies in the leap of faith you take when you say: I will choose to love you, even when there is something else that looks better, even when I'm angry, even when it hurts. When you do make that leap, when you truly trust that He is worth the endeavor, that is when you really encounter His love.

I have experienced such incredible joy in loving him, but my love was born out of my pain and heartache, not out of happiness and nice feelings. He wants us to say no to our flesh and yes to him because he is worth it. Because there never has been, and never will be, anyone else like him. There is unimaginable beauty that is waiting for us, a God who yearns for us to cast off this world and say yes to the love of our creator.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16-19

When?

When does it stop?

At what point does this pain cease to fill my heart?

Will I ever be able to look at you with out my heart breaking?

Or hear your name without feeling your pain?

My heart is forever tied to those I love.

My heart is not a single entity, it is merely an element of this intricately woven web we call our lives. Or "My life," as if it were truly ours--this grand delusion so many of us carry on. This life is no more mine than that tree in the yard. Yes it is my property, and I can do as I please to it, but one powerful storm, one small car collision, one season of drought, and that tree could be permanently changed, or gone. Nothing exists on it's own. We are each of us but a part of the whole. Our souls are God's, and our lives are eachothers.

All we can call our own is the ability to respond to what already is.

Onward

I hate that something that feels so good ends in so much pain.

I could hold on and cling to that last bit of comfort,

but I know that I'll just wake up with that pain again.

I can only fool myself for so long.

One day I'll wake up and realize what I've done to the both of us for my comfort.

Maybe it's today.

I want it to be.

I want to hold on and feel you still,

but I can't.

There is nothing left to hold on to.

It's gone.

I'm letting go of the shadow.

I can recall my reality.

I need to remember what I want.

What I need.

My only regret is time wasted,

precious moments I'll never get back.

Spent all for naught.

But life goes on.

I'm picking myself up and moving forward.

Unhindered.

Free.

Thank you, Rosie Thomas :)

Why waste your time?
There is nothing left
Voices in your head tell you to do it
No one will care
No one will know
Everyone just looks out for themselves

It's so hard letting go
Letting go of love
It might cause some pain, I know
But pain is all we've got

Why waste more time?
Time is all you have
Be careful what you say they'll hold you to it
No one will care
No one will know
Everyone feels sorry for themselves

It's so hard letting go
Letting go of love
It might cause some pain, I know
But pain is all you've got
It may be the only way to know
That you can get yourself back up

Lyrics: Rosie Thomas

Life is too short to coast through.

I have purpose, and I want to live like I do.

If you can't love with your entire heart, don't bother.

where has it gone?

Stability,

Security,

Peace,

Joy,

Light.

Given up.

For what?

For love?

Love is loyal,

and does not forsake one love for another.

Love is not selfish,

love does not ask for what it knows you cannot live without.

Love is giving,

and would never steal away from you all that matters in your life.

This is not love.

It is beautiful.

It is a hint of what love could be,

but it is not love.

So why am I here?

Why am I doing this?

Why am I following blindly in the path of the one I so despise?

I want my joy.

I want my peace.

I want my LIGHT.

I don't need the raging storms to stop.

All I need is my guiding light.

My anchor.

My fire.

Let the storms rage

and the arrows fly.

What I have cannot be taken from me.

My light may grow dim,

My strength may fail,

but I will never be left empty,

nor forsaken.

Grounded

I am the level headed one.

The calm, the steady.

I am the rock that keeps you from being washed away.

The foundation that keeps you from caving.

My heart is for you.

That you might be free from all of this.

I want to carry the weight for you.

I want to shelter you from the storm.

But I feel it too.

I waver as well.

My heart is just as capable of being swept away.

My soul has the same weakness that would let it fall.

Where is my rock?

My peace?

My firm foundation?

Even as I ask I know the answer.

My mind knows.

Yet my heart still questions.

Who will be strong for me?

You will.

If I let You.

I can let You.

If I could just relinquish the pieces of me that I clutch so tightly.

Trying so hard to be my own rock.

With my eyes shut tightly I imagine myself letting go.

I can almost see it.

Will it ever really happen?

Can I let go?

I must.

I must.

I must.