Disoriented

All I want to do is get out of this place, but here I am trying to stay.

After countless dead ends, you would think I'd be ready to go.

But instead I'm calling you and asking for trouble all over again.

One day I'll learn.

I thought that day happened months ago, but apparently I'm a slow learner.

So let's have another go at it.

Maybe when I hit that bulwark again I'll learn my lesson.

But for now I'll keep on believing that this body was made to break through brick walls.

Me me me

This is not how it was meant to be

This is not what was planned

This is not the beauty that we worked so long to create.

YOU have it all in your hands

I know

but why does it look so disparaging around me?

YOU know whats best

YOU create beauty from ashes

but what am I to do while it still smolders?

Your promises sustain me

Your peace settles me

but this madness still beats against me

pounding from one angle and then the next

You've brushed me off and set me upright countless times

aren't You getting as tired of this as I am?

Shame, shame

Break her once, shame on you.

Break her twice, shame on ME.

You'd think having my baby cracked down the front would teach me something,

maybe "Hey dummy, be more careful with your cello!"

But no, once wasn't enough...

I needed to hear her crash to the floor and reverberate through the sanctuary

before I learned my lesson.

Talk about painful....

Now she's halfway through repairs,

I'm looking into insurance policies,

and I am going to protect that thing like my life depended on it.

Silver lining:

I finally chose a name-

Renée

Meaning "reborn"

repeating the legacy

I thought this hell was diminishing...

I saw the light at the end of the tunnel and was preparing for the final sprint.

That sweet heaven of healing and freedom was within my grasp,

but now it's gone.

All I see before me is a renewed darkness.

I know the light is there still,

I haven't lost hope,

I can feel it's presence...

I just can't see it anymore.

This struggle is getting old.

I'm not feeling worn out-

I have an infinite source of strength to draw from-

I'm just ready to be done.

I've poured so much sweat, blood, and tears into this,

what gives you the right to tear out these sutures?

Why should your pain and struggle be considered so much more valid than mine?

Just because I asked for, and was given, the strength to handle it

doesn't mean it hurts me any less.

That same strength could have been yours for years now,

have you really forgotten all that is yours for the taking?

I understand that you have received different wounds than mine,

but you should know that they will leave us with the same scars.

The only difference now is that your selfishness will leave me with even more.

Crawl out of that ditch and come face the mess you've made,

or you'll end up subsisting in the very same place you swore you'd always despise.

You can't see it through that pool of liquid or that cloud of smoke,

but you're tearing off your lifeline and sinking into that very same abyss.

You are playing with fire,

setting your perceived "enemy" ablaze,

and simultaneously destroying your only escape route.

What will you do when you realize the raft your holding onto

is really the millstone that is dragging you down?

How much longer must this nightmare endure?

What will it take to make you see the monster you're nurturing?

When will you look in the mirror and face the monster you're creating?

This existence you're embracing is a far cry from

the beauty and peace that has been promised to you.

It is time to wake up and recognize what's going on around you.

I know you didn't create this hell,

but now your every move is stoking the fire.

cynicism offers no relief. and yet....

With little thought, 

and even less care,

civilization spreads his roots.

Setting his heart on bits of earth

so obviously claimed by mother nature

with towering oaks and seas of underbrush.

Rolling in with calculated plans

he decimates the homes of thousands-

the product of years of artful existence.

Pleading no innocence,

he is perfectly aware of his offense,

he is perfectly apathetic.

He shrugs off the devastation

 and erects his concrete idols.

Step back and admire the opulence of mankind.

seek and you shall find

        

One thing I ask from the LORD, 

       this only do I seek: 

       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD 

       all the days of my life, 

       to gaze on the beauty of the LORD 

       and to seek him in his temple.

This verse pierces my heart at it's very core,

 and exposes my folly to me.

  

It's not just that I seek so many other things aside from Him, 

but that I seek so many things before Him.  

My foolish heart continues to lust after empty pleasure after empty pleasure.  

I have tasted

and I have seen His goodness.

I have felt the glory of His presence, 

and the rapture of knowing that I am adored by the creator of the universe.

My heart has never- 

and will never-

experience that fullness of joy 

in any other place but His presence.

Yet still....

my capricious heart is led astray by the inventions of this desolate world. 

My prayer is that 

my heart would always seek His.

That my spirit would never rest apart from His.

That my longings would be only for Him.

That my entire being would focus on this one passion,

this one desire, 

until all others fade away...

     One thing I ask from the LORD, 

       this only do I seek: 

       that I may dwell in the house of the LORD 

       all the days of my life, 

       to gaze on the beauty of the LORD 

       and to seek Him in his temple.

I love...

I love planning new trips...

I love packing my bags and anticipating a new destination...

I love the feeling of relief that I get when the plane takes off and I know that I'm actually on my way....

I love stepping into a new world and taking in the sights, sounds and smells....

I love not knowing whats going to happen next....

I love being overcome by a sense of awe as I see yet another expression of Gods creativity in a new landscape...

I love meeting new people...

I love eating new food...

I love learning about new cultures...

I love exploring new places....

But most of all I love stepping out of my comfort zone and into a place where the only one I can depend on is my God, Jesus Christ, who waits for me with open arms.




I've discovered a new passion