Late Night Life Lessons with Pabst and Sigur Ros

     Maybe it's the figuring out, over and over and over again.  Learning and relearning lessons that I already knew.  Or maybe it's the realization that nothing ever really changes, except me.

     Moving and shifting and growing and learning...  Changing this and running from him and chasing after her.   Running and running to escape the soiled, irreparable messes made, to catch up to that ever elusive, long awaited version of myself.  Am I running from something really terrible?  Am I chasing something truly worthwhile?  Does it matter?

     Only I matter.  My being, and my reason for being.  This life will be what I shape it into, a blurred collection of chaos and victimization, or a persistent existence fraught with intention and meaning.

It is what I want it to be.

It's purpose I'm running for.  It might be what's making me run, it might what I'm running towards...   Either way, it has me running.  The existence and the promise of purpose.  A life restricted by responsibility, ready to burst with opportunity.

It is what I make it.

So I'll make it something worthwhile, because it is.

Growing Up

I know you want to take my hand and guide me, to keep me from running too hard or too fast, or to save me from the scrapes and falls that you felt when you journeyed this road.  I can hear it in your voice, the pain you know so well, and the fear that I, too, might have to endure the same wounds and live with my own mistakes.  Nothing in me doubts that the things you do for me and say to me are out of the depths of your love for me.  I know that your heart aches with the heaviness of the pain and burdens that I carry.  Not because you carry them too, but because everything in you wishes that you could.  This child of yours knows how much you care.  Don't doubt that.

You should also know, though, that this child of yours has been raised well.  The anchor that you prompted me to invite into my heart so many years ago, is still here.  It's quiet now, though, and I often go long periods of time without hearing so much as a whisper.  And I'll admit that I sometimes try and forget it, as I let the hours and days and weeks and months slip through my fingers.  All this doesn't mean that I have forgotten it, though.  I don't think I ever could, it's too much a part of me.  What it does mean is that I can no longer sit under your direction and take your words at face value.  As close to my heart as you are, you don't speak it's language.  No one does.  Even if you could, what value would your words hold?  If I accepted every bit of wisdom you offered, with no questions or contemplation?  This isn't something you can teach me or explain to me.  This is my life, my heart, my soul, my responsibility.   You can continue to share your wisdom and concerns with me, and please do (Lord knows I need it), but when it's all said and done, this is between me and my maker.  I am going to make mistakes, just as I have done already, but I am going to learn from them.  I am going to get a little lost along the way, but I am convinced that every moment I spend, lost or on track, knee deep in mud or along a pristine path, will be used for good.

Pray for me, speak to me, slap me if you need to, but remember that you can't make me live any certain way, any more than you can live my life for me.  So please be patient with me as I fumble through this period of my life, and don't be discouraged when I stray off the path.  Just continue to remind me of the path that my heart will always yearn to take, and that it's always there, no matter how dirty I get.

I love you, with every bit of my sometimes discombobulated heart.

Don't give up on me.

There is no time for remorse

This is my life:
The mistakes I've made,
the acknowledgement of the damage they've caused,
and the freedom I felt when I moved past them.

This is my life:

The pain I've felt, 

the strength it's revealed in me,

and the healing I find in forgiveness.

This is my life:
The people I love,
the way they've shaped me,
and the beauty that they bring into my life.

This is my life:
The beauty I see,
in everything and everyone,
and the way it moves my heart.

This is my life:

The choices I've made, 

the good the bad and the ugly,

and the love I have for myself regardless.

Debts

They tell you so much about life,
what it means,
how to enjoy it.
A menu of forbidden fruits,
with no prices.
Eat, drink, let down your hair.
Nothing matters but satiating the lust that can never be appeased.
Yes, call it casual if it makes you feel better.
Your heart is still going to break,
your denial won't stop a single splinter.
They tell you hearts heal themselves.
They don't tell you that the pieces you give away will never find their way home again,
that the remnants of all you once were must go to pay the bill that you can never settle.

Happy 2011

Each new year holds an invigorating wealth of possibilities, and this year I feel it in my core.  Although 2010 certainly had it's highs, it was not my best year.  There are many words spoken and deeds done that I would be thrilled to take back...  Unfortunately life doesn't work that way, so instead I will resolve to keep from making the same mistakes twice.  2011 is another fresh start, and I will not mar this new chapter with last years rubbish.

In the year two thousand and eleven, I want to learn to...

....be content, but always look ahead.
....not give in to guilt trips.
....listen to and respond to my own needs and desires.
....never settle.
....challenge myself.
....act out of love, not obligation.
...say no.
....be open and honest.
....trust.
....let go of my regrets.
....love myself(faults, failures, and all).

Here goes nothin'...

I Will Declare....

Last night I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine about human nature and our inclination to physical gratification over spiritual. Namely, why God didn't just choose to make us into beings that desire Him more than the pleasures of the world. If he had made us that way He could have spared a lot of people a lot of pain. As my mind drifted back to that question this evening, I was struck by the thought of the beauty of man's relationship with God. I am convinced that this beauty rests solely in the struggle it arises from.

God didn't make loving him as instantly gratifying as succumbing to the flesh, because He knows that pleasure is transient. There is no substance to something that is just handed to us. When we have to strive for something, when we have to struggle, that is when we appreciate how precious it is. Is it love if there is no yearning or desire? What would it mean to love someone only because it feels good? What would it mean to live for something merely because it gratified us to do so? The beauty lies in the struggle. The magnificence lies in the leap of faith you take when you say: I will choose to love you, even when there is something else that looks better, even when I'm angry, even when it hurts. When you do make that leap, when you truly trust that He is worth the endeavor, that is when you really encounter His love.

I have experienced such incredible joy in loving him, but my love was born out of my pain and heartache, not out of happiness and nice feelings. He wants us to say no to our flesh and yes to him because he is worth it. Because there never has been, and never will be, anyone else like him. There is unimaginable beauty that is waiting for us, a God who yearns for us to cast off this world and say yes to the love of our creator.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16-19

When?

When does it stop?

At what point does this pain cease to fill my heart?

Will I ever be able to look at you with out my heart breaking?

Or hear your name without feeling your pain?

My heart is forever tied to those I love.

My heart is not a single entity, it is merely an element of this intricately woven web we call our lives. Or "My life," as if it were truly ours--this grand delusion so many of us carry on. This life is no more mine than that tree in the yard. Yes it is my property, and I can do as I please to it, but one powerful storm, one small car collision, one season of drought, and that tree could be permanently changed, or gone. Nothing exists on it's own. We are each of us but a part of the whole. Our souls are God's, and our lives are eachothers.

All we can call our own is the ability to respond to what already is.